Top 10 - Dodgy Actors

Welcome to or top 10 feature. This time we have the top 10 actors\actresses who's name in the credits spells utter celuliod disaster. So join us as we count down those who we believe should be made to pay from crimes against cinema:

Kevin Costner
While his outings in Waterworld and The Postman were passable, when you get a Costner movie expect to waste a large chunk of your life. This acting planks films tend to last longer than the hundred year wars and the special editions even more so. It wouldn't be so bad if he could act but his massive cinematic ego trips contain little in the way of this talent.
Outlook: Long and boring.
Bruce Payne
This whispering villain puts the bad in bad guy. His general lack of menace and barely audible jeers have spelt doom to such classics as Dungeons and Dragons and Highlander Endgame. In this case the Payne is ours.
Outlook: Quiet and Painful.
Sarah Michelle Gellar \ Freddie Prinze Jr.
Sarah Michelle Gellar has successfully proved that it does take more talent to be a film actress than a television actress. Her popularity was built of the talent of others in the Buffy television series however her film outings have exposed a shocking lack of any talent of her own. What is more she often appears with her equally tallentless partner Freddie Prinze Jr. This less than dynamic duo have already ruined the slasher flick with I know what you did last summer and proved that there are worse things than Scrappy doo in the Scooby movie.
Outlook: Twice as bad.
Jennifer Love Hewitt
A matchstick with breasts best describes Jennifer Love Hewitt. She truly believes she is the new Audrey Hepburn and she truly isn't. She has risen from the same teen movie hell as our number 8 failures Gellar and Prinze Jr. but now thinks she can act. Sorry love your emaciated form is not welcome here. Note to Jackie Chan: Get a better US agent.
Outlook: Thin.
Julia Roberts
Queen of the chick flick. All women find her beautiful all men think she is too skinny with a mouth so large she looks like a muppet. For some reason Hollywood loves but as any man who has had to sit through Pretty Woman will testify she is awful. I can only think her popularity is a conspiracy by women to get revenge for the years of inequality. If so I give in take it all just don't let this ugly useless mouth work again.
Outlook: Women just won't let her go away.
Jean Claude Van Damme
The muscles from Brussels these days is as about as appealing a Brussel sprouts. In the eighties anyone who couldn't speak English properly could be an action hero, and so based upon one movie (Universal Soldier) the legend of Jean Claude Van Damme was born. His lack of martial arts skills or acting ability hasn't stopped him churning out terrible action films ever since. Recent turkeys include the awful The Quest or the atrocious Knock Off. Like the gratuitous butt shots that appear in the films its a pile of arse.
Outlook: When will he disappear up his own butt.
Jennifer Lopez
This really is kicking someone when they are down, but what the hell nothing could dent her ego. Jennifer, J Lo, Jenny from the block or whatever the hell else she calls herself is just like Madonna before her a singer who thinks she can act. Here is the news honey you may have the biggest butt in show biz (now that divine is dead) and your songs are passable in a post Paula Abdul sort of way, but you are a lousy actress. For proof just watch her mumble her way through The Cell, or in the numerous pointless romantic comedies, or in her new film Jiggly (or whatever its called).
Outlook: Its Turkey time.
Hugh Grant
Floppy English Prat, sums up Hugh Grant perfectly. In a endless succession of affable dithering fops Hugh has demonstrated all the versatility of a toilet, and also like a toilet the end result is a pile of poo. In real life he has proved to be as big a prat as in his movies when he cheated on the beautiful Liz Hurley with a monster of a ten dollar hooker. Why women find him charming is therefore a mystery. All I know is that Richard Curtis has a lot to answer for.
Outlook: Wet.
Steven Seagal
Can anyone tell me who the hell is funding his films because surely no one is watching them. Its a long way past Under Siege and now his career is half past dead, just a his body is half past fat. Steven Seagal's brand of bitch slapping cannot compete with proper fight training and his acting ability has always been zero (there you are I won the bet that I could get Seagal and acting ability into the same sentence!!!). Each movie is the same as he waddles accross the screen like a grumpy walrus with another rapper in tow, the only change is his ever increasing girth.
Outlook: Lardy.
Matt Frewer
M-M-M-M-Max Headroom oh how without your plastic head do you truly mean the kiss of death to a film. Where as Max is a star, Matt is a loser, as turkeys like Lawnmower man 2 or Generation X just go to prove. Last seen in that poor mans X files that is Psi Factor Matt tries real hard but how often does he fail. Never the less we remember your plastic headed days and you will always have a soft spot in our heart.
Outlook: Bring back Max Headroom.

Of course you may not agree with our choices, or have we missed someone. Why not tell us.


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