On the couch this week we have master of the macabre Logan, king of the critical Ben Nevis and the original space cadet, myself, Glitz, and we will be commenting of that waste of good plastic that is the new Rollerball movie.
As this is a new feature hears how it works, we have recorded our full-length audio commentary for the chosen film, after of course imbibing a fair quantity of wine first. This article will contain the edited highlights of session.
So without further a do lets go.
|Cast:||Jonathon Cross||Chris Klein|
|Marcus Ridley||LL Cool J|
|Cert / Year:||15 - R / 2002|
Opening scene sees Jonathan Cross body boarding down a hill.
|Glitz||Oh my! We are going very slowly down a hill.|
|Logan||It's the skateboard version of Bullet.|
|Glitz||It's the least exciting stupid sport ever invented.|
|Logan||Realistically what's the whole point in that sequence?|
|Glitz||Oh, none. It has no relevance to the rest of the film what so ever.|
|Ben Nevis||Is that the guy from American Pie?|
|Glitz||LL Cool J?|
|Ben Nevis||No, the other guy. The Keanu Reeves look a like.|
|Glitz||Yes. But like Stars in their Eyes, tonight he is going to be Keanu Reeves.|
After the chase Marcus Ridley is trying to recruit Jonathan.
|Glitz||Excuse me where has the future gone? What's happened to Rollerball?|
Marcus continues talking.
|Glitz||Is he going to sing?|
|Logan||I hope not.|
|Ben Nevis||I hope he's not going to sing hello by Lionel Richie.|
Jonathan leaves to consider the offer.
|Ben Nevis||I'm sorry I'm off to star in the sequel to the Matrix, goodbye.|
The Rollerball track is finally shown at least 10 minutes into the film.
|Logan||What the hell is that?|
|Glitz||Yes it's the Rollerball track, and it's tiny.|
|Ben Nevis||Its only about 2 inches big, I mean it looks like a BMX track.|
|Logan||Motorcycle stunts, woohoo!|
|Glitz||But what about the costumes, I bet you love them?|
|Logan||No, they look like Blue Peter made Gobot outfits.|
|Glitz||No what do you mean no, that guys wearing a tutu.|
The crowd starts shouting Jon a ton.
|Glitz||Jon a ton, Jon a ton. Ben a ton, Ben a ton.|
|Logan||Oh look there's Pink on the screen. Cool!|
|Ben Nevis||No, pointless.|
Commentator explains the rules.
|Commentator||All you've got to remember that there only one way to score, and that's when you get the ball...|
|Logan||And shove it right up his...|
The Rollerball game begins.
|Glitz||Well there you go I suppose that's basically the new sport of Rollerball.|
|Logan||What a crock of...|
|Glitz||The rules seem to be irrelevant or pointless.|
|Logan||It's just lacking.|
|Ben Nevis||It's just laughable.|
The commentator starts up again
|Ben Nevis||Oh somebody shoot that fat pillock.|
|Glitz||And yes they have a house band. I mean a house band at a sporting event its ridiculous.|
|Logan||It isn't when the sporting event is so pitiful.|
|Ben Nevis||I don't know what's going on here.|
|Glitz||Your not meant to know what's going on.|
|Logan||I don't think John McTiernan knows what's going on by this point, but on the plus side the band seems to be enjoying them selves.|
|Ben Nevis||I can't believe that somebody viewed this before releasing it.|
|Glitz||Yes the test screenings were so bad they re-edited it, can you imagine how bad the original was.|
|Logan||Never mind (to the screen) Oh shut up Jean Reno.|
The game ends and the players retire to the changing room.
|Logan||That's Yolanda Hughes, Miss Olympia|
|Glitz||Thank heavens for that. My enjoyment of the film was being ruined by the lack of that information.|
The players reach a night club.
|Glitz||Kazakhstan has some great nightlife. You just don't hear about the clubbing scene there.|
|Ben Nevis||We are going to see Michael Douglas and his jumper from Basic Instinct in a minute.|
|Glitz||Well they've let the grimy miners in.|
|Logan||Yes its mining scum night here at club Basic Instinct.|
Jonathan confronts Petrovich with the cut strap on the helmet.
|Ben Nevis||They've cut the strap.|
|Glitz||Yes, I know it's not much of a plot but its all your going to get in this movie.|
Jonathon meets Aurora in the gym for a little extra curricular activity.
Sorry people we did comment on this section but unfortunately very little is repeatable in polite conversation. If you must know what we said email Logan and I'm sure he'll tell you.
Aurora hides her scared face from Jonathan.
|Ben Nevis||That disfiguring scar is more of a eyeliner slip.|
|Logan||That's not a scar this is a scar.|
|Glitz||Stop it we'll have none of those Jaws jokes.|
Somebody breaks wind on the Commentary couch.
|Glitz||Who did that?|
|Ben Nevis||We'll have to rewind the tape to find out.|
|Glitz||It says something about the movie when farting is more entertaining.|
|Logan||This film is so immersed in a quagmire of its own effluent.|
They reach Azerbaijan for the next game
|Logan||He just so wants to be Keanu Reeves.|
|Glitz||LL Cool J?|
|Logan||No, Chris Klein.|
|Glitz||Yeah, but the commentator is the same annoying git.|
The camera pans across the new opposition.
|Ben Nevis||Hey look at they guy in the helmet.|
|Logan||Its Baron Ironblood from Action Force.|
|Glitz||Oh look, the ballerina is attacking Baron Ironblood.|
|Ben Nevis||Jean Reno has had a big part in this hasn't he?|
|Glitz||I think he'd be wanting a small a part in this as possible.|
|Logan||I'm betting he wishes he had no part in this.|
After another tedious game the "action" reaches Mongolia.
|Logan||Hey, Slipknot! Cool!|
|Glitz||18.104.22.168 that's the end of Slipknot. Bye.|
|Ben Nevis||What sort of storyboard did they have for this pants.|
|Logan||Storyboard! Do you reckon it was that technical.|
|Ben Nevis||What is the point of a higher audience rating in the film. I mean all we are doing is looking at a number on a computer screen|
|Glitz||And you don't find this exciting?|
|Ben Nevis||No one would admit to commissioning a film this awful.|
|Logan||Even Alan Smithee wouldn't put his name to this.|
|Glitz||Well I know McTiernan did Last Action Hero, although I don't know why, but this just sucks more than that did. Compared to Die Hard; career peak, career TROUGH.|
Marcus is thrown over the barriers.
|Logan||LL Cool J has left the building.|
|Glitz||Well don't suppose we should expect a big moment of Moonpie-ness here.|
|Ben Nevis||Has anyone got any more crisps?|
|Glitz||The dips are here.|
|Logan||Well here's the Garlic rubbish (Logan is allergic to Garlic, just like a vampire. Strange that!)|
This continued for five minutes.
We would like to apologise for this interlude but the hunt for chips and dips took preference to watching film.
Petrovich turns up in a big furry coat.
|Ben Nevis||That's a great coat he looks like he's in Russia. Oh, he is.|
|Logan||But it looked even better on Maud Adams in the original.|
|Glitz||He looks like a Yeti.|
|Ben Nevis||He must have skinned twenty bears to get that.|
At this point there is a great conversion about swearing but unfortunately it is all unprintable.
The scene in night vision
|Glitz||This must be the great night chase scene. Why?|
|Logan||Who has got night vision goggles on?|
|Glitz||The Camera man!|
|Ben Nevis||What magazine reviews did this get?|
|Glitz||That it sucked.|
|Ben Nevis||It is bad!|
|Logan||It really does suck. In fact it blows chunks and sucks.|
|Glitz||In fact for something to both blow and suck at the same it has to pretty special.|
|Logan||The Dyson factor.|
The Hercules plane appears in the chase.
|Glitz||Has anyone got a idea why that plane is following the road, and why it is only flying 2 feet off the ground?|
The plane drives through a fence with a comedy Phtang noise.
|Ben Nevis||Boing said Zeberdee!|
|Glitz||Abreet Abreet, that's all folks.|
|Ben Nevis||I've lost the plot here.|
|Glitz||You are the lucky one.|
|Logan||I just want this to be over.|
Marcus is riding towards a bridge in the desert.
|Glitz||It's a bridge in a desert. I mean what's it over?|
|Ben Nevis||The River Kwai!|
|All||Like of bridge over troubled water.|
|Logan||The troubled water being McTiernan's career.|
|Ben Nevis||I think it's a bridge too far. Anyone got any more bridge jokes.|
|Glitz||I can't believe we are still in night vision.|
Petrovich's henchmen shoot Marcus.
|Logan||So LL Cool J is now dead.|
|Logan||I bet he's happy.|
|Glitz||Yeah, I wish we were.|
|Logan||Hey! We're back in normal vision.|
|Ben Nevis||That's disappointing I was beginning to like the green. I have always wanted to watch a film in fussy green-o-vision.|
Petrovich and Jonathan meet in a quarry.
|Ben Nevis||If this is not the end of Chris Klein's career I'll be upset.|
|Logan||You see that big quarry there. Well they took the whole budget of the film and threw it in there.|
|Glitz||And if you look closely over there you can see The Postman being filmed, and to the left Dr Who, and there is Blake's Seven...|
|Logan||...and in the bottom Waterworld.|
|Ben Nevis||It was filmed in the coastline off Norwich. They used CGI for the mountains.|
|Glitz||Do you want to know the ending? I'm selling the ending for a tenner. If you buy it you won't have to watch it.|
|Logan||You think we actually give care a jot about the ending.|
|Glitz||Do you agree with my rating of the film then? I did say do not watch it under any circumstances.|
|Ben Nevis||So what are we doing?|
|Glitz||Well you mates. I thought Id make you guys suffer.|
|Logan||This is because I made you watch Evil Toons isn't it?|
At this point the conversation went off on a tangent where blame was proportioned regard the past film night failures
|Ben Nevis||Oh darn we've forgotten about the film.|
|Glitz||We're trying to.|
Before the final contest and Petrovich delivers the line "if they'll buy it, I'll sell it".
|Glitz||Well that sums the film up perfectly from the point of view of the studio.|
|Logan||I must say Rebecca Roman Stamos is going up in my estimations.|
|Glitz||But she can't act.|
|Logan||I don't care she looks hot.|
The final game commences and an erie silence falls .Are we engrossed in the film, have we left and gone to the pub, maybe we have lost the will to live. Who knows tune in next week.....only kidding. No really have lost the will to take the mick.
|Ben Nevis||Oh we don't care bring back Ben Hur. The chariot race was way better than this.|
|Logan||Spice World the movie is better than this.|
|Glitz||That is actually true, and I'd never though I'd say that in my life.|
|Ben Nevis||I don't want to see another awful again.|
|Glitz||This makes Battlefield Earth look quite good.|
|Logan||I wouldn't go that far.|
|Glitz||Maybe not, but guys lets have our final summing up.|
|Ben Nevis||I think it was an excellent movie|
|Glitz||Can I quote you on that?|
|Ben Nevis||No. My real opinion is that this is darn awful.|
|Logan||A complete detriment to the original.|
|Glitz||We there you have that was Rollerball...|
|Logan||...and you are welcome to it.|
|Ben Nevis||You can keep that one and stick it up your cake hole.|
Then more fun was had taken the mick out of the cast list than was had watching the film.
|Ben Nevis||Well goodbye, and good luck Rollerball. I hope we never see you again.|