Commentary Couch - Rollerball 2002

On the couch this week we have master of the macabre Logan, king of the critical Ben Nevis and the original space cadet, myself, Glitz, and we will be commenting of that waste of good plastic that is the new Rollerball movie.

As this is a new feature hears how it works, we have recorded our full-length audio commentary for the chosen film, after of course imbibing a fair quantity of wine first. This article will contain the edited highlights of session.

So without further a do lets go.

Director: John McTiernan
Cast: Jonathon Cross Chris Klein
Petrovich Jean Reno
Marcus Ridley LL Cool J
Aurora Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
Cert / Year: 15 - R / 2002

Opening scene sees Jonathan Cross body boarding down a hill.

Glitz Oh my! We are going very slowly down a hill.
Logan It's the skateboard version of Bullet.
Glitz It's the least exciting stupid sport ever invented.
Logan Realistically what's the whole point in that sequence?
Glitz Oh, none. It has no relevance to the rest of the film what so ever.
Ben Nevis Is that the guy from American Pie?
Glitz LL Cool J?
Ben Nevis No, the other guy. The Keanu Reeves look a like.
Glitz Yes. But like Stars in their Eyes, tonight he is going to be Keanu Reeves.

After the chase Marcus Ridley is trying to recruit Jonathan.

Glitz Excuse me where has the future gone? What's happened to Rollerball?

Marcus continues talking.

Glitz Is he going to sing?
Logan I hope not.
Ben Nevis I hope he's not going to sing hello by Lionel Richie.

Jonathan leaves to consider the offer.

Ben Nevis I'm sorry I'm off to star in the sequel to the Matrix, goodbye.

The Rollerball track is finally shown at least 10 minutes into the film.

Logan What the hell is that?
Glitz Yes it's the Rollerball track, and it's tiny.
Ben Nevis Its only about 2 inches big, I mean it looks like a BMX track.
Logan Motorcycle stunts, woohoo!
Glitz But what about the costumes, I bet you love them?
Logan No, they look like Blue Peter made Gobot outfits.
Glitz No what do you mean no, that guys wearing a tutu.

The crowd starts shouting Jon a ton.

Glitz Jon a ton, Jon a ton. Ben a ton, Ben a ton.
Logan Oh look there's Pink on the screen. Cool!
Ben Nevis No, pointless.

Commentator explains the rules.

Commentator All you've got to remember that there only one way to score, and that's when you get the ball...
Logan And shove it right up his...

The Rollerball game begins.

Glitz Well there you go I suppose that's basically the new sport of Rollerball.
Logan What a crock of...
Glitz The rules seem to be irrelevant or pointless.
Logan It's just lacking.
Ben Nevis It's just laughable.

The commentator starts up again

Ben Nevis Oh somebody shoot that fat pillock.
Glitz And yes they have a house band. I mean a house band at a sporting event its ridiculous.
Logan It isn't when the sporting event is so pitiful.
Ben Nevis I don't know what's going on here.
Glitz Your not meant to know what's going on.
Logan I don't think John McTiernan knows what's going on by this point, but on the plus side the band seems to be enjoying them selves.
Ben Nevis I can't believe that somebody viewed this before releasing it.
Glitz Yes the test screenings were so bad they re-edited it, can you imagine how bad the original was.
Logan Never mind (to the screen) Oh shut up Jean Reno.

The game ends and the players retire to the changing room.

Logan That's Yolanda Hughes, Miss Olympia
Glitz Thank heavens for that. My enjoyment of the film was being ruined by the lack of that information.

The players reach a night club.

Glitz Kazakhstan has some great nightlife. You just don't hear about the clubbing scene there.
Ben Nevis We are going to see Michael Douglas and his jumper from Basic Instinct in a minute.
Glitz Well they've let the grimy miners in.
Logan Yes its mining scum night here at club Basic Instinct.

Jonathan confronts Petrovich with the cut strap on the helmet.

Ben Nevis They've cut the strap.
Glitz Yes, I know it's not much of a plot but its all your going to get in this movie.

Jonathon meets Aurora in the gym for a little extra curricular activity.

Sorry people we did comment on this section but unfortunately very little is repeatable in polite conversation. If you must know what we said email Logan and I'm sure he'll tell you.

Aurora hides her scared face from Jonathan.

Ben Nevis That disfiguring scar is more of a eyeliner slip.
Logan That's not a scar this is a scar.
Glitz Stop it we'll have none of those Jaws jokes.

Somebody breaks wind on the Commentary couch.

Glitz Who did that?
Ben Nevis We'll have to rewind the tape to find out.
Glitz It says something about the movie when farting is more entertaining.
Logan This film is so immersed in a quagmire of its own effluent.

They reach Azerbaijan for the next game

Logan He just so wants to be Keanu Reeves.
Glitz LL Cool J?
Logan No, Chris Klein.
Glitz Yeah, but the commentator is the same annoying git.

The camera pans across the new opposition.

Ben Nevis Hey look at they guy in the helmet.
Logan Its Baron Ironblood from Action Force.
Glitz Oh look, the ballerina is attacking Baron Ironblood.
Ben Nevis Jean Reno has had a big part in this hasn't he?
Glitz I think he'd be wanting a small a part in this as possible.
Logan I'm betting he wishes he had no part in this.

After another tedious game the "action" reaches Mongolia.

Logan Hey, Slipknot! Cool!
Glitz that's the end of Slipknot. Bye.
Ben Nevis What sort of storyboard did they have for this pants.
Logan Storyboard! Do you reckon it was that technical.
Ben Nevis What is the point of a higher audience rating in the film. I mean all we are doing is looking at a number on a computer screen
Glitz And you don't find this exciting?
Ben Nevis No one would admit to commissioning a film this awful.
Logan Even Alan Smithee wouldn't put his name to this.
Glitz Well I know McTiernan did Last Action Hero, although I don't know why, but this just sucks more than that did. Compared to Die Hard; career peak, career TROUGH.

Marcus is thrown over the barriers.

Logan LL Cool J has left the building.
Glitz Well don't suppose we should expect a big moment of Moonpie-ness here.
Ben Nevis Has anyone got any more crisps?
Glitz The dips are here.
Logan Well here's the Garlic rubbish (Logan is allergic to Garlic, just like a vampire. Strange that!)

This continued for five minutes.

We would like to apologise for this interlude but the hunt for chips and dips took preference to watching film.

Petrovich turns up in a big furry coat.

Ben Nevis That's a great coat he looks like he's in Russia. Oh, he is.
Logan But it looked even better on Maud Adams in the original.
Glitz He looks like a Yeti.
Ben Nevis He must have skinned twenty bears to get that.

At this point there is a great conversion about swearing but unfortunately it is all unprintable.

The scene in night vision

Glitz This must be the great night chase scene. Why?
Logan Who has got night vision goggles on?
Glitz The Camera man!
Ben Nevis What magazine reviews did this get?
Glitz That it sucked.
Ben Nevis It is bad!
Logan It really does suck. In fact it blows chunks and sucks.
Glitz In fact for something to both blow and suck at the same it has to pretty special.
Logan The Dyson factor.

The Hercules plane appears in the chase.

Glitz Has anyone got a idea why that plane is following the road, and why it is only flying 2 feet off the ground?

The plane drives through a fence with a comedy Phtang noise.

Ben Nevis Boing said Zeberdee!
Glitz Abreet Abreet, that's all folks.
Ben Nevis I've lost the plot here.
Glitz You are the lucky one.
Logan I just want this to be over.

Marcus is riding towards a bridge in the desert.

Glitz It's a bridge in a desert. I mean what's it over?
Logan Troubled water!
Ben Nevis The River Kwai!
All Like of bridge over troubled water.
Logan The troubled water being McTiernan's career.
Ben Nevis I think it's a bridge too far. Anyone got any more bridge jokes.
Glitz I can't believe we are still in night vision.

Petrovich's henchmen shoot Marcus.

Logan So LL Cool J is now dead.
Glitz Yes.
Logan I bet he's happy.
Glitz Yeah, I wish we were.
Logan Hey! We're back in normal vision.
Ben Nevis That's disappointing I was beginning to like the green. I have always wanted to watch a film in fussy green-o-vision.

Petrovich and Jonathan meet in a quarry.

Ben Nevis If this is not the end of Chris Klein's career I'll be upset.
Logan You see that big quarry there. Well they took the whole budget of the film and threw it in there.
Glitz And if you look closely over there you can see The Postman being filmed, and to the left Dr Who, and there is Blake's Seven...
Logan ...and in the bottom Waterworld.
Ben Nevis It was filmed in the coastline off Norwich. They used CGI for the mountains.
Glitz Do you want to know the ending? I'm selling the ending for a tenner. If you buy it you won't have to watch it.
Logan You think we actually give care a jot about the ending.
Glitz Do you agree with my rating of the film then? I did say do not watch it under any circumstances.
Ben Nevis So what are we doing?
Glitz Well you mates. I thought Id make you guys suffer.
Logan This is because I made you watch Evil Toons isn't it?

At this point the conversation went off on a tangent where blame was proportioned regard the past film night failures

Ben Nevis Oh darn we've forgotten about the film.
Glitz We're trying to.

Before the final contest and Petrovich delivers the line "if they'll buy it, I'll sell it".

Glitz Well that sums the film up perfectly from the point of view of the studio.
Logan I must say Rebecca Roman Stamos is going up in my estimations.
Glitz But she can't act.
Logan I don't care she looks hot.

The final game commences and an erie silence falls .Are we engrossed in the film, have we left and gone to the pub, maybe we have lost the will to live. Who knows tune in next week.....only kidding. No really have lost the will to take the mick.

Ben Nevis Oh we don't care bring back Ben Hur. The chariot race was way better than this.
Logan Spice World the movie is better than this.
Glitz That is actually true, and I'd never though I'd say that in my life.
Ben Nevis I don't want to see another awful again.
Glitz This makes Battlefield Earth look quite good.
Logan I wouldn't go that far.
Glitz Maybe not, but guys lets have our final summing up.
Logan Absolute tut.
Ben Nevis I think it was an excellent movie
Glitz Can I quote you on that?
Ben Nevis No. My real opinion is that this is darn awful.
Logan A complete detriment to the original.
Glitz We there you have that was Rollerball...
Logan ...and you are welcome to it.
Ben Nevis You can keep that one and stick it up your cake hole.

Then more fun was had taken the mick out of the cast list than was had watching the film.

Ben Nevis Well goodbye, and good luck Rollerball. I hope we never see you again.

Back Top Home